Obviously Warriors and Resurrection are in the 'crap' column. Frontios and Awakening are in the 'great' column.
Planet of Fire is the exception to all this. It is bland and has awful dialogue. But the acting is ok and the location work makes up for it. The story is okay without being brilliant.
Newcomer Nicola Bryant as Peri is barely ok. She gets better with subsequent stories but here she exudes annoying brat.
Anthony Ainley as the Master is making a mess like usual.
Volcanoes have featured in DW before (Inferno, Time Monster) and the idea of an alien Seismic Control system on Sarn is actually quite far fetched.
The Master's strange Kamelion hacking efforts are contrived and are not compelling. These days they seem out of date or something since the modern interweb makes it seem unnecessary.
The other theme of Timanov's struggle to maintain faith among the people of Sarn is something I personally DO NOT care for in any way. (It's bullshit and we know it is, sorry.)
I do not enjoy this one.
This could really have benefitted from losing a couple of episodes.
ABM Rating 2.70/4.00
LJM Rating 3.80/5.00
SPJ Rating 7.15/10
No. 69 (out of 134)
Link to Cumulative Rankings
Rankings Scoreboard
http://www.pagefillers.com/dwrg/planf.htm
The Observer's Guide to Lanzarote by Thomas Jefferson 29/7/00
Two blokes in head scarves are climbing the Lanzarote equivalent of a gravel pit. We can tell they're supposed to be on a different planet because they call each other weird names like Amyand and Roskar (all aliens only have one name), although one of them is the hippy knight from the Young Ones. Groovy.
Meanwhile Jason King is off muttering about how Logar is testing them. He is talking to that drip from Howard's Way whose name here is Malkon, pronounced Malcolm. "Accept what you see and hear and feel all around you. Then your faith will come," advises Jason. Malcolm looks worried. Jason assures him that he is the chosen one. He goes on to shout "Tradition!" so loud it obviously means a lot to him.
"Daleks," says the Doctor, not as loudly but with enough emphasis to suggest he may be swearing. He is bemoaning the fact that he somehow keeps bumping into them. A cry calls him and Turlough away to a robot in another room, which for once actually looks like a robot and not a guy in a metal suit. "Spain!" our metal friend cries, unable to get up. "Point of contact!" It continues to rave, unable to get up. Turlough, looking shifty, rips out a part of the TARDIS before the robot can go on to say "Cucumber buffalo!" or anything else incriminating. It's all to no avail. The robot is taking them somewhere. I reckon it's probably going to be Lanzarote.
On another part of Lanzarote, which in this case is actually playing the part of Lanzarote (or Lanzarotte, according to the sleeve), two foreign types (not from Lanzarote) have worked out that a metal dildo isn't Roman. "Hi," says Peri and her norgs. To her, Eros looks like Elton John and she doesn't like being lectured, that's all. Being experienced in these things, she knows straight away that the dildo isn't Roman.
The TARDIS lands in Lanzarote. Meanwhile, Private Pike, I mean Malcolm, is assuring everybody. "You may have all felt the quaking in the ground," he assures them. "Logar doesn't exist," says some argumentative types. Jason King says he does, and, not having the same argumentative abilities, offers to throw everyone in the fire who doesn't agree with him.
The Doctor and Turlough have found Howard and his haul (though not his Way). Howard gets to say more bad dialogue. "Just like your English Mary Rose", he says proudly, mistaking a Time Lord inquiring about his next emission for a native of the British Isles. The question mark braces should have given him some clue. Turlough, looking shifty, goes back to the TARDIS and does something horrible to the robot. "Aaaarrggghh!" screams the robot horribly, whilst its head drops a few millimetres.
Meanwhile, Peri and her norgs are getting wet so Turlough decides to get wet with her. The exotic bacchianality of Lanzarote is getting to everyone. "Where did you find this?" asks Turlough shiftily, brandishing the dildo at Peri and her norgs. Peri coughs wetly. The Doctor traces the emission back to the dildo, which makes it very advanced. The robot turns into Howard, the TARDIS dematerializes ("Did you do that?" "No," says Turlough shiftily) and they are suddenly "no longer on Lanzarote". Howard says this, after the Doctor and Turlough have wandered off. Peri is, not surprisingly, suspicious of him. Her fears are grounded when Howard, unable to turn up the corners of his mouth when he is laughing, adopts the Beard of Evil to hide it. "I am the Master and you will obey me," he says, confounding expectations. End of Part One.
Jason King and his army of moustachioed Elders are interrupted in the burning of non-believers. A blue box doesn't fit in with his prophesies, but he seems happy nevertheless. "Aaaarrrgggghhh!" screams the robot, its fingers twitching slightly, momentarily turning into a silver-covered Howard, who can project pain more convincingly. The Master returns ("immutably"). "You will come with me or remain in the TARDIS - dead," says the Master unconvincingly, his mind on the heavy polystyrene block which is about to fall on him. Peri runs away, norgs-a-jiggle. Not only is her will strong, but she also knows which part of the TARDIS to steal to immoblise it. In a fit of pique, the Master steals a bit as well. Peter Grimwade likes swapping bits of TARDISes.
The Doctor has never seen Turlough so nervous before, which is really saying something. They meet some arguers and the Doctor wants to know more about Logar, obviously recognising a deux et machina when he hears one. "Have I travelled a billion light years through time and space to be thwarted by this brat?" The Master says things like that when he's getting annoyed. Howard the Robot reverts to the silver paint, which certainly impresses Jason King.
Turlough and Malcolm compare tattoos, The Doctor and the Master compare hatred and someone gets shot with a Quantel Paintbox. "Sacrifice the enemy?" asks Jason hopefully. He orders everyone to be burnt, and seems fit to throw himself in as well. The Doctor isn't impressed by Jason King, not surprising since he's a less convincing version of Chief Orderly Brazen from two stories earlier. People are herded into the flames very slowly. "Continue the burnings!" cries Jason hopelessly. End of Part Two.
"There's been too much killing", screams Jason King in a curious volte face. One guy's been shot and no-one's been burnt. Oh, and Malcom's been shot as well, but that's a good thing, surely. He has to be disappointed with his performance there, Des. The Master and Peri go to his TARDIS. "You do realise this creature is about to do a bunk?" says Peri to a lot of aliens. Jason and the Elders look at her open-mouthed. Inside, the Master introduces Peri to another dildo, but there's no time for that now as Turlough is convincing everybody that he either is or isn't what he seems and the Doctor, for once, is asking his companion what is going on. This entire episode is entirely made up of plot expositions.
The volcano also isn't what it seems. It actually makes the Vitamin C of gases. "Perhaps the Master plans to bottle and sell it?" suggests Turlough, shiftily. The Doctor isn't happy, although he might cheer up when he discovers the Master has been shrunk to the size of an action figure. Peri stares into his box in revulsion. "You will obey me - or die," says the Master. End of Part Three.
Peri and her norgs, who all seem to be coping with things splendidly, isn't intimidated by the tiny Master. "Help me and I'll spare your life," he says desperately. "Come out here and say that?" answers Peri childishly. She needs to grow up as well. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Amyand try to avoid the horrors of stock footage as they look for the Master. Turlough, looking only slightly less shifty, get in touch with both his home planet and his feelings, as he realises that Malcolm is his brother. Ahh.
There's little time left by now. All these plot continuities and companion shiftings have to be completed quickly. The Master needs the gas to return to normal size. Turlough needs to save everybody from the rapidly disintegrating Lanzarote. Jason King needs the error of his ways pointing out - a good scene actually, as he laughs mirthlessly "Another deception, and from a heretic." The Doctor needlessly kills the robot, then needlessly kills the Master, in an all-too-convincing death scene later to be blithely ignored by that sensational duo Pip and Jane Baker, for whom death was no barrier. Bang goes the control panel, signifying the explosion of a planet. Turlough leaves with his bro, Peri leaves with the Doctor. Whoops! That's the TARDIS for you. End of Part Four.
A great story, really well directed, let down by some excruciating dialogue and a bit too much in the plot department (you need to have seen at least two previous stories and glanced at another five more). Acted competently, it passes the hours in a pleasing rush of speedy contrivances and arguments. It's kind of like taking a huge whiff of aerosol deodorant and coming round two hours later wanting more.
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